Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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