May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I am midnight drunk by noon
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
