census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
