If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
