I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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