I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize