did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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