you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
you never un-have a 4some
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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