ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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