FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
