so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
