so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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