hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
