3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
