On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He's a Shit stain on my heart
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
