True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
