if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
