look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
