And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
