All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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