nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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