Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
