Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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