I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
