Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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