32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
