I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
