I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
