Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
