Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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