I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
