Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have so many feelings about this burrito
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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