I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
