I want to make a zoo with you.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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