I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
