just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
