I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
