Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
