Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
