I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
