Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
me + whiskey = a bad person
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
