You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
