He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
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My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
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I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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