Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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