My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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