I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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