Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
When did angry sex become our thing?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
