Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
