i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
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You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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