The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just want to make out with him forever
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
