apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
